Down today :(

They say it is good to express your feeling, it makes you feel better no matter what?!? really?! what if you dont know how to express your feelings, what should you do then?!

 anyways, im feeling a lot down these days and so i thought of trying to express my feelings here since i can't do it anywhere else, maybe i will be able to do that and it would make me feel better. 
I will just write what ever comes to my head with no rewriting or reviewing it.

well, I feel like crap, I hate myself, why cant I do anything right, why do I always leave things until the last moment and then do a shity version of it but still expect the best results. why cant I study like everyone else? why do i always demand so much of my slow, stupid brain? I just want to be normal. why cant I do the right thing in the right time, why cant i say the right thing in the right time. maybe i need a break from studying and then i will be ok but wait didnt i get to this whole miss because i take too much of those stupid breaks. they feel good in the beginning but then you feel worse and worse until the end of them or even after you feel like shooting your self and get it done.

i need a real friend, a friend that will listen to me when I'm in need, why dont i have one like this, why am i the one that everyone would cry on my shoulder and seek comfort but when I'm in need i find absolutly no one :(. when am i going to find this friend, or am i ever going to find such friend. maybe this is my disteny to be alone, shoulder all the pain and sorrow and have no one to share it with. Just me.:( how sad to think of myself like this, a loner that has always been a loner but cant deal with it haha pethatic, yeah that is me, stupid, pethatic, lonely, sad, depressed , good for nothing person.

WOW all this and i still cant feel better, well, i guess only time is capable of curing this feeling i have.  

Walking in the dark

It is late here _2:34 AM_ and all dark, everyone went to sleep and I tried that too but as it would be insomnia is back. anyways so I'm in my room and the lights are out, all of a sudden I thought getting up and walking around, so i did but you know when it is dark and your eyes did not adjust the dark yet and you cant see a thing, yeah, that was me.

i went out of my room and into the living room and then i felt that i had stepped on some one lol and with a scream i was sure that i did, it was my poor brother, who fell asleep on the floor. i apologized and went on my way but for some reason with my arms stretched in front of me. I didn't step on anyone the rest of the way but bumped into 2 chairs and slipped because of some papers my brother has left on the floor and worst of all brutally hit my head into the wall when i was really going for the door.

I thought i knew the way too will and was going to go through it with no problems and I didn't want to switch on any lights to not annoy or bother anyone but somehow this backfired and now i woke up everyone.(they are not really happy about that) 

So here is the thing, you might think you know the way but keep in mind it might change, even the smallest change will ruin everything and you will step on people and hurt yourself. Also, SWITCH ON THE LIGHTS it will be less bothersome for other people.

Change

Today was Oprah's last show, even though i don't watch her show a lot but i still feel that after today things wont be the same and had this feeling of lose. I wonder what her loyal fans are feeling?!

Oh I thought Oprah was going to be there forever but i guess i was wrong, hey after all the only constant is CHANGE. Change i love it and hate it, i know life does not go on without it but i have some real issues with this thing. Everything changes even when you try not to change, you have changed yourself.

I look at my self now, like today, i was studying the whole day and didn't accomplish  much, i couldn't concentrate and in simple words I couldn't look at my book for more than 5 minutes in a row, ugh, i hated that. then i thought about the me before and that me was awesome she could study for hours and not complain, her brain was on fire (Maybe i burned it lol) but now i have a slow brain and low attention span.

Change is always accompanied by Adaptation or adjustment or is it the same thing, i mean you change to adapt but anyways (here it goes, my brain going off tract) I think i hate change because i suck in the adaptation/adjustment point or I'm too slow in it. I knew my brain has changed, did I adjust my studying strategy?! the answer is NO.

So, note to future me, I hope you got the adaptation process going well and if you did not do that yet then you are more screwed that me, wish you (me) the best of luck. 

Contradiction

I am probably the ultimate contradiction i know. I'm smart but always do and say stupid stuff. I'm nice and cute but a BITCH.I'm patient but so impetuous. i have the highest self-esteem and the lowest in the same time. I'm mature but childish in almost everything. I'm thin but fat. I'm beautiful but ugly. I love myself and hate it, love the way I am but cant stand it. So my life is up and down all the time, just like everyone else but so unique.

that was what i thought i should write as the answer to WHO I AM? but looking at it after a while made me wonder is it ok to have all these contradictions in ones live. is it healthy? when i look at the world  i only see contradiction, i dont see it as my friends say varieties or differences. i see that opposite to black there is white and to light there is dark and so on. so if the world is filled with such things maybe it is ok for me to be all that in one.

After that my mind takes me back again and i think, that is the world not a human being, so rules must be different. i look at people then and i see that one person can have some contradictions but not all. they have their minds set about certain things and they might have contradictions but not in the same time.

 then i ask myself, am I normal or not? but the answer to this question as much as it does not make any sense, it makes perfect sense and has always been the same for me every time: I am the contrary of normal but not abnormal